As best as he can.

Brae and I were sitting in our apartment listening to the sound of major renovations going on in an apartment 2 floors below.

"They're really going at it," I said. "Did you see how much work they're doing? The place is completely torn apart."

Brae replied, "oh yeah, they had infestus down there."

"What?"

"Um, what is it? Infestu...."

"An infestation?"

"No, what's that stuff called? They had to remove the, uh, in..festus?"

"Oh, you mean asbestos?"

"Uh, yeah. Oh, that actually sounds nice. 'Asbestos he can!"

This requires no comment from me:

My First Retraction

I think my last post deserves a retraction of sorts. It seems that there actually is a Beastie Boys song with lyrics about buying Ale."

I, of course, was thinking of the song "Time to Get Ill" from their debut License to Ill, but "Hold it Now, Hit It" from the same album contains the line "What time is it/It's time to buy Ale."

Brae was combining the two, but this wasn't the mondegreen I thought it was and not nearly as far-fetched as most of Brae's vernacular.

In fact, she kinda schooled me.

My girl got mad flow

Brae and I were doing laundry down in the basement of our building today. I'd forgotten my watch so I asked if she knew what time it was. She shrugged and said she didn't know.

But then her eyes lit up and she said, "it's time to buy ale."

After a long blank stare I asked, "what?!"

"You know, like the Beastie Boys song: What time is it? It's time to get ale!"

Another long pause. "Honey, it's time to get ill."

Today the girlfriend and I were walking down to the river to go for a swim and she purposefully exclaimed, "I feel like Michael Jackson."

"Why is that?" I asked.

"I just do."

...fair enough.

"That's off the tank!"

Brae's summation of that some new 3D hip hop dance movie we saw advertised on TV tonight.

During lunch the other day, Brae quickly polished off her lemonade, wiped her mouth and said,

"Man, I downloaded that lemonade fast!"

Summer is finally here.

"The air-conditioning in the car doesn't work. I think it needs anti-fluid."

That's a mighty big wedgie

"I have a wedgie the size of Damascus."

The first thing I heard my girlfriend say upon waking the other day.

The other day Brae and I were talking about what we wanted done to our bodies when we died. Brae said she wanted to be taken to a crematologist.

I was giving the girlfriend her nightly leg massage. She wanted me to really get in there and work it out and she said, "Oh, yeah. That's it. Do it. Don't pussycoat it."

I wouldn't dream of pussycoating it, darling.

A text message I received from my girlfriend the other night while I was hanging out with the boys:

Sometimes when I'm down I think of Paris Hilton taking a dump.

So many hats

I'm looking for a job. On a pretty regular basis Brae sends me job listings she finds on Craigslist and elsewhere.

Recently she was looking at a job posting for an assistant to a fashion designer. Brae started laughing as she read the description of the position.

"They said they want some someone who wears many hats. Hahaha."

I looked at her blankly and said "what's funny about that?"

She said "why do they need you to wear a bunch of a hats?"

After I finally stopped laughing and explained what the metaphor meant she said grumpily "that's a stupid saying."

I laughed some more and she said, "well, I thought it would be a good job for you since you have so many hats."

Thanks, hon...

My girlfriend says to me "you haven't been jogging down things I say lately."

Well, I guess that's her way of saying I should get to it. It has been almost a week. I promise to be more regular. I do have some gems in the hopper.

In the meantime, I wanted to show you what Zach Braff does to my girlfriend. He must be stopped.

The other night I was flirting with my girlfriend, being a dork, doing some sort of hootchie-cootchie dance.

My girlfriend got excited and giggled, "oh, you're making me queagle!"

I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.

Today Brae and I were talking about phobias. She asked me what mine were and among a few others I mentioned a moderate dose of claustrophobia.

Brae replied with the upmost sincerity,

"yeah, not until recently did I realize I had a fear of clausters."

My Girlfriend's Shirt

"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -Linda Evangelista

Word of the Day

ketchy: adj. being simultaneously appealingly memorable and tasteless.

catchy+kitsch=ketchy

The name of this blog is an attempt to be ketchy.

"I think they're going to blow a casket."

Predicting a friend's reaction to some bad news.

Yet again, I think Brae has one-upped the original. I mean, it's one thing to blow a gasket...

Word of the Day

upmost: noun the most or greatest.

"We provide the upmost in service."

Really, when you think about it, this makes at least as much sense at utmost.

Word of the Day

schnozzy: adj. characterized by being simultaneously stylish and arrogant.

snazzy + snobby = schnozzy

"That restaurant is schnozzy."

"I think you just passed croths with someone."

I was writing the blog update about gargyles last night and Brae was reading over my shoulder. She wanted me to make it clear that she wasn't paying attention to the show. You know, 'cause that would explain her spontaneous invention of the word gargyle.

She said to me, "can you write that I was just whimsilly walking in the room?"

"What the hell does whimsilly mean?"

"Ummm... whiskfully?"

"What?!"

"I don't know what I'm trying to say."

"That makes two of us, my dear."

The other night I was watching something on TV about the town of Argyle, TX.

Overhearing, Brae asked, "Is Argyle related to gargyles?"

Nick's Coney Island Hotdog 1 - My Girlfriend's Mouth 0

Brae + Scrabble = Brabble

Tonight the girlfriend and I went over to some friends' house for game night. After a quick round of Taboo we started up a marathon game of Scrabble. Early in the game the word LANE was on the board and Brae's turn came up. She added her letters to create FREELANE.

Everyone in the room said at once, "freelane?"

Brae replied, "Yeah, you know. Like the song... (Brae sings) We goin' ridin' in the freelane of love in a pink Cadillac."

Look out world, there's a new Queen of Soul.

"I just got oogled."

Almost sounds like someone used a search engine to leer at my girlfriend.

Word of the Day

unsportsmanshiplike: adj. nasty behavior on the field of play to the point of redundancy.

"Let's get the ball on the road!"

Brae cracks the whip.

Word of the Day

crassy: adj. a seemingly impossible hybrid of crass and classy... perhaps.

"John, you're being crassy."

"I need to run down to the dollar store and pick up paperclips and vanilla envelopes."

Sounds delicious, honey.

"State of the line."

State of the art + top of the line = totally awesome.

Foyage

Today as we were cleaning our apartment Brae was talking about our houseplants and used the rather common mispronunciation "foilage." I paused and gave her a look to which she's grown quite accustomed.

She mockingly rolled her eyes and asked "Is that going in the blog?"

"Nah, that one's a little too common to be of interest," I assured her.

Brae got her composure and then with the utmost confidence corrected herself, "foyage!"

"Now THAT'S going in the blog!"

"Your love sucks!"

I am rebuked.

"She's totally trying to fuck him off."

Brae was talking about a girlfriend who is trying to ditch a potential suitor. I think what we've got here is some hodgepodge of "blow him off" and "fuck off." Either that or Brae's girlfriend is going about this totally the wrong way.

The Spectacular Vernacular

Brae is actually my girlfriend's middle name. Her first name is Verna (which should give you a clue as to why she goes by her middle name.)

When Brae blesses the world with one of her semantic novelties we refer to them generally as her Vernacular.

I'll often say to her "your Vernacular is spectacular."

And it is. Yes, it is.

"What? The baby died of zits?"

We were watching an episode of Six Feet Under where a baby died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

Video Extra

I clandestinely shot this video while Brae watched her favorite show, Dog the Bounty Hunter.

It has little to do with her creative language arts but I thought it was a nice little glimpse of Brae's personality for people who don't know her.

Like most people, she cringes at the sound of her own voice and hates this video, but I think it's adorable and hilarious.

"I'm feeling droggy."

I don't know, Brae. Maybe you need a peppy.

"I feel disgrunted."

Brae seems to have a tough time with this one.

"I think they were normatic people."

Brae gets all anthropological and stuff.

Word of the Day

peppy: noun a stimulant. A pick-me-up.

"Ugh, I'm tired. I need a peppy."

"It seems to triculate down."

Brae and I discussing the nuances of the domino effect.

Word of the Day

inscent: noun singular of "inscents"

As in, it's not just a scent it's an INscent.

"It's stinky in here. I'm going to light an inscent."

"Be sure to bring me back an olay!"

A friend of ours was visiting Hawaii and Brae just loves flowers.

"Don't get disgrumbled."

Apparently, I was a little grouchy.

"Maybe you need to soil your oats."

Brae offers up some helpful advice.

"I'm just not resuscitating anything!"

Brae getting frustrated studying for the Oregon state driver's exam.

"Let's look at Kawowie."

Making plans to visit Hawaii, Brae suggests the Garden Isle of Kauai.