My girlfriend's name is Brae. This is her mouth. Amazing things happen when it gets hold of the English language.

Resembling at various times Reverend Spooner, The Bard and a Japanese novelty t-shirt, she is an endless wellspring of linguistic gems and curiosities.

What follows in an attempt to catalogue Brae's unique, creative and often baffling relationship with the spoken word.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I was giving the girlfriend her nightly leg massage. She wanted me to really get in there and work it out and she said, "Oh, yeah. That's it. Do it. Don't pussycoat it."

I wouldn't dream of pussycoating it, darling.
A text message I received from my girlfriend the other night while I was hanging out with the boys:

Sometimes when I'm down I think of Paris Hilton taking a dump.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

So many hats

I'm looking for a job. On a pretty regular basis Brae sends me job listings she finds on Craigslist and elsewhere.

Recently she was looking at a job posting for an assistant to a fashion designer. Brae started laughing as she read the description of the position.

"They said they want some someone who wears many hats. Hahaha."

I looked at her blankly and said "what's funny about that?"

She said "why do they need you to wear a bunch of a hats?"

After I finally stopped laughing and explained what the metaphor meant she said grumpily "that's a stupid saying."

I laughed some more and she said, "well, I thought it would be a good job for you since you have so many hats."

Thanks, hon...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My girlfriend says to me "you haven't been jogging down things I say lately."

Well, I guess that's her way of saying I should get to it. It has been almost a week. I promise to be more regular. I do have some gems in the hopper.

In the meantime, I wanted to show you what Zach Braff does to my girlfriend. He must be stopped.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The other night I was flirting with my girlfriend, being a dork, doing some sort of hootchie-cootchie dance.

My girlfriend got excited and giggled, "oh, you're making me queagle!"

I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Today Brae and I were talking about phobias. She asked me what mine were and among a few others I mentioned a moderate dose of claustrophobia.

Brae replied with the upmost sincerity,
"yeah, not until recently did I realize I had a fear of clausters."

Sunday, April 4, 2010

My Girlfriend's Shirt

"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -Linda Evangelista

Word of the Day

ketchy: adj. being simultaneously appealingly memorable and tasteless.


The name of this blog is an attempt to be ketchy.

Friday, April 2, 2010

"I think they're going to blow a casket."

Predicting a friend's reaction to some bad news.

Yet again, I think Brae has one-upped the original. I mean, it's one thing to blow a gasket...

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Word of the Day

upmost: noun the most or greatest.

"We provide the upmost in service."

Really, when you think about it, this makes at least as much sense at utmost.